Interviewer: “Good morning, Jacob. Would you mind starting by telling us a little bit about yourself?”

Interviewee: “Certainly. Good morning, Mr. Aguilar and others participating in the interview process. My name is Jacob Smith. I was born Jacob Rivers in Winslow, Oklahoma to a left-handed prostitute and a heroine addict from the Vietnam era. I grew up poor, but happy. At the age of 14, I was released from the methadone clinic, free from my own addiction. I have a work history that is boring, lengthy, and deeply uninspiring. However, I have been repeatedly told that I show a penchant for soul-crushing repetitive tasks. While I will not ask much of your company while I am here, I take it as a given that you will also not ask much of me. Considering the employees I’ve interacted with so far, yourself included, I do not foresee that being an issue.

My strengths are mostly physical, and my weaknesses are none of your business. My long term goals include working somewhere better than here, and my short term goal is to eat a 5-lbs. bag of M&M’s in a single sitting.”